9 Ways to Kill Time While Your Wife is in Labour

1. Get Drunk

Most hospitals are lacking woefully on the bar and off-license front. However, there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from taking in your own cool-box full of beers or a couple of bottles of Jack Daniels. After, all, everyone knows your more fun and interesting after a few drinks. Why not take enough for everyone? That obstetric surgeon is probably exhausted and would really appreciate a quick mid-shift cocktail.

2. Play Pokemon Go

Whether you’ve jumped on the Pokemon bandwagon or not, now might be the time to start. The hospital is absolutely teeming with Weedles and Pidgeys and there are plenty of fun opportunities to take photos of them sitting on or even emerging from your screaming wife.

3. Get High on Laughing Gas

Although the NHS refer to it as “gas and air” the primary form of pain relief for women in labour is in actual fact, laughing gas! And it will get you high as fuck.  Why should the Mothers have all the fun? Why shouldn’t the baby’s Father have a few drags every now and then? You’ve paid your taxes. The NHS owes you. This is a stressful time and you could really do with taking the edge off.

4. Impersonate Hospital Staff

Dressing up is fun, and there’s nothing quite like a new mother’s face when she finds out her baby was just delivered by an unqualified stranger who just found a set of scrubs while curiously rifling through an unlocked cupboard.

5. Challenge Your Wife to a Rap Battle

You’ve been privately working on some sick rhymes for some time now, but haven’t had the confidence to share them with your family yet. It must be the thrill and adrenaline of impending fatherhood, because suddenly you just wanna spit ill lyrics like a mother-flippin’ gangsta G, yo. So, lay down some verses, bruh. Your wife will love to see you expressing yourself creatively at this otherwise mundane time.

6. Film the Pilot to Your Hospital Drama

How often do you get free reign of a hospital for 48 hours without having some kind of serious medical issue? This is the perfect opportunity to film your long awaited hospital drama. Think Grey’s Anatomy meets Magnum PI. You’ve got the perfect filming location and you’ve made yourself a kick-ass fake moustache from hair you found in the chemotherapy ward. Now you just need to pry a few nurses and doctors away from their precious patients for a few hours so they can be the supporting cast in what is certain to be a televisual masterpiece.

7. Have a Frank and Honest Discussion With Your Wife About Her Recent Performance

The house has been a mess lately and there wasn’t enough salt in last night’s lasagne. Now is the perfect time to express your concerns and let your wife know she really needs to buck up her ideas. Why not introduce an annual performance review, complete with Powerpoint presentation and infographics. Nothing says you’re prepared to put the effort into making a relationship work than a well presented 3D pie chart.

8. Fake your Own Death

So you’ve trained for months with Indian yogi masters and can slow your heartbeat down to an almost imperceptible level. Now is the perfect time to put that skill to good use. A superficial self-inflicted stab wound and a splash of extra blood from the donor cupboard and you’re good to go. Just think of their faces when you wake up freezing and gasping for air in a mortuary drawer. Classic.

9. Start a Protection Racket

Sure, hospital is the safest places you can  be, but couldn’t it be even safer? After all, those kids over in Oncology wouldn’t want anything “unfortunate” to happen to them during their stay would they? You’re providing a valuable service. And don’t worry about the morality of your new business venture. Many of them are going to die soon, anyway.