Finding Out You’ve Conceived
WOMAN: “I’m going to be a Mummy!”
MAN: “Good work, dick and balls!”
First Scan
WOMAN: *sobbing* “Our baby is so beautiful!”
MAN: “It looks like a weird chicken nugget.”
Finding Out it’s a Boy
MAN: “Boom!!!”
WOMAN: “Awww! He is going to be the most considerate and thoughtful man in the world. And he is going to love his mother more than he’ll love any other woman. Ever!
Finding Out it’s a Girl
WOMAN: “Awww! Shopping trips, girl chats, teaching her to be a strong, assertive, independent woman.”
MAN: *to male sonographer* “Get your filthy fucking hands off my daughter!”
Body Changes
WOMAN: “Oh, God! I have never been this fat in my life! I’m a hideous gargantuan mess and might as well put a deposit on a fucking mobility scooter right now!”
MAN: “Boobs.”
First Kicks at 18 Weeks
WOMAN: “Wow! Can you feel it?”
MAN: “No… ”
Kicks at 22 Weeks
WOMAN: “Wow! Can you feel it now?”
MAN: “……….still, no.”
Asking Questions at Antenatal Classes:
WOMAN: “I’m having a natural birth but at what stage, hypothetically, would it be too late for you to pump me full of your strongest morphine?”
MAN: “I assume there will be Wi-Fi?”
Buying Baby’s First Clothes
WOMAN: “This £60 cardigan hand-knitted by blind Himalayan monks will keep him warm during the cold winter months.”
MAN: “I’m buying this Batman cape.”
Mum Starting Maternity Leave
WOMAN: “Finally, some rest.”
MAN: “Finally, cooked dinners and ironed shirts.”
Kicks at 38 Weeks
MAN: “Wow, that is amazing! I can feel his tiny little kicks.”
WOMAN: “He’s literally trying to kick my organs out of my arsehole.”
Hearing You Need a Caesarean
WOMAN: “Oh no, I’m going to take weeks to recover and be scarred for life.”
MAN: “So, doctor, what you’re saying is my wife’s vagina is actually gonna survive this?”
Our Sprog Blog 