At every midwife appointment you need to provide a urine sample. This is not too challenging at the beginning of pregnancy, but when you reach the final months it becomes almost impossible.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to pee in a tiny tube as a woman? Now imagine trying to do it without:
a) pissing on your own hand
b) pissing all over the non-water proof paper label. It’s pretty embarrassing handing a wet tube to a midwife, who 9 times out of 10 doesn’t wear gloves…
c) missing the tube completely and wasting the three drips of urine you have squeezed out
d) being able to see your own bits
Having had to perform an advanced yoga move in a doctor’s surgery bog at my last appointment, I was more prepared at the 38 week check up. I couldn’t bring myself to carry a full measuring jug through the waiting room, so settled for a nice round Tupperware box.
After spending the morning drinking litres of fluid to make sure I could ‘go’, I did my business in the loo/Tupperware box at the doctors and tipped it into the tiny tube without any issues. Tupperware box was then rinsed out and placed into sealable food bag and shoved it in my unusually small handbag.
Midwife appointment was fine, baby in ‘head down’ position and measuring perfectly. I was also chuffed to hear that there was no sugar in urine at all now, so kidneys have sorted themselves out and I can continue to eat cake.
Following the appointment I immediately popped to the local Coop to stock up on healthy pregnancy food* and whilst paying at the till, had to search for my purse. In my normal disorganised way, I proceeded to unload the contents of my bag onto the desk – including Tupperware box, piss dripped food bag and tiny tube of my urine. Forgot to mention that the Midwives hand it back to you at the end of the appointment for you to dispose of.
Cue disgusted look from cashier and an embarrassed snort from me, I paid for my wares and repacked my handbag.
Next time, I am just going to piss on my own hand and be done with it.